I have this problem with frequent gas(joke)
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with
frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here,
and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One
day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you
know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you
fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey,
the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change
it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a
leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you
please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the
plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a
cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
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